Tuesday, September 29, 2009

The Day I Sinned in Church

I'm pretty sure I sinned in church on Sunday.  I couldn't help myself.  I had to wear them.  I had no choice really.  They were calling my name, and under the curcumstances, no other option was available. 

I woke up Sunday with my usual I'm-so-fat-and-flabby-and-I-know-I-just-had-a-baby-but-really-I've-got-to-do-something-about-this-blues.  Yes, I know --- I've already bragged about getting into my prepardum jeans.  Yes, BUT THEY ARE MY FAT JEANS!!! and that boost to the ego can only last so long. 

So I think to myself - "What can I do in the next hour that can make me feel better about myself?"  Can I get my hair cut?  Yes, but not this morning (please call me back Rheannon, I need a cut now!!!!).  Can I loose 15 lbs?  Not quite.  Can I actually put on make up and throw in the contacts?  YES.. but is that really enough to do the trick?  No.. What else can I do? 

Then the lightbulb went off.  I swear the room got brighter right over my head.  There had to be one there--right above my head--, because my idea was was simply brilliant!  My metallic bronze B.P. peep-toe high heels!!!!!!  They are simply fabulous!!!!  So I slipped my feet into them and instantly felt 15 lbs lighter.  I think my makeup looked better, my eyes were greener, and I'm pretty certain my hair got 1/4 inch shorter, not to mention silker and shinier.  I AM BACK!!!!!!!!!!  I thought to myself. 

So I strutted into church (pretty slowly, mind you b/c they are 2 1/2 inch heels), carrying my sweet little angel.  I checked my children into their classes and then made my way to the service.  I ran into KQ (our pastor) in the lobby and he simply led me even more into my sinful ways.  "Momma's BACK!!!" he says to me.  Not meaning that I'm back at church.. he's seen me many Sundays now.  No, he meant "Momma's BACK --- Momma's not looking like she just hobbled out of the hospital---- Momma in fact doesn't look like a new Momma anymore... MOMMA's BACK!!!!  He had to have seen my shoes!!!!   I think I got even skinnier at that point.  My hair even bouncier. 

So I sit myself down in service.  It was a great sermon.  I was getting so much out of it.... It was ironic really.  Materialism was the sermon topic.  I was "Amen"ing and nodding with all of the rest of the saints.... then it happened.  I looked down at my foot, swaying back and forth as my left leg is crossed over my right knee.  That's when the sin occured.  I was worshiping all right...  worshiping my shoes!!!!!!!!!  But could any new mother blame me?!???!!  I think not!

Service ended, and I picked up my kids from their classes and strutted out of the church, even more slowly now, because it's been a while since I've worn those suckers! got in the car and went home.  I walked in the door and kicked off my shoes.  I felt kinda like Cinderella when the clock struck midnight.  I got fatter, my hair lost it's bounce, shine and even got longer than it was when I woke up.. and I was Fat-New-Momma again.  Ahh..  at least I had fun at the ball, even if I did sin!!!!


Sweet Inlow's said...

So I peeked @ your blog through Troye's "blogs I follow" and I loved this post! I can relate to it all! This is why women have so many pairs of shoes, the size never changes!

HeatherLow said...

Girl...that is hilarious! I'd have been hobbling around breaking my neck in those 2 1/2 inch jokers:) Can't wait to see ya!!

Anji Sandage said...

Love it! I am pretty sure God will forgive you ;)