I rarely get jealous anymore. I really don't have time for it. I've just got too many things to do to constantly be comparing my stuff and skills to everyone else's. or maybe I try not to do it because it does no good to compare, because out here in the suburbs it is so easy to be caught up in the sickness of keeping up with the Jones's. For a while there I really did feel the pressure, not so much to keep up, because for us it is financially impossible, but I did feel the obvious tension of not fitting in. There's not a luxury car in our garage. No paid extracurricular activities for the kids. Our kitchen sprayer is still broken. We are making do with what we have in this tough economy. I'm done with those comparisons.
But today I was jealous. I read through some blogs and came upon one of my favorites: jennifervdavis.com
Jennifer is a friend of mine from church. A fellow momma, cook and blogger. I always love chatting with her, and am always surprised by her dry wit. She is an amazing woman. And today when I read her blog, I realized that I am jealous of her. How in the world does she manage to be so thoughtful and articulate in her blog? How does she have so many brain cells left?
There was a time, about seven years ago when I was smart. You may not know this about me, but I was valedictorian. Granted, there were only 95 people in our class, but still. I was number one. Numero Uno. 4.0 The top... all that Jazz. I got to give a speech at graduation and it was good. In college, I was still good. No speech, but I still had pretty cords and ribbons and trims on my robe announcing to the world as I crossed that stage... "Kristina is smart"
Then I had children.
My brain cells started melting away when Sweet G's fertilized egg implanted into the wall of my uterus.... like ice cream outside of the Mayfield Dairy at noon in Mid August. I noticed it most in my vocabulary. The bigger, fancier words that used to decorate my language like my expensive glass ornaments on my beloved Christmas tree vanished. I still had the ability to decorate and coordinate my language with my cheaper Walmart and Target words. But nowadays, three children later, FORGET ABOUT IT. I can't even think anymore much less articulate those thoughts. It really takes so much more effort to decorate that proverbial Christmas tree than it used to, and most times I know it looks like Charlie Brown was involved.
Maybe I like blogging because I have more time to coordinate my words. I can spend more time focusing on their arrangement and I can even use a dictionary and thesaurus and spell check. It's not as exposing as conversation is. It's like comparing the live, raw American Idol performances, to a Miley Cirus or Britney Spears single. Maybe I can fool my high school friends into thinking I'm still smart, just like Miley can fool those 10 year old little girls with her albums. All it takes is some extra time, some editing and auto tune. That works until I really compare. Jennifer Davis, you my dear, are smart. no fooling done there. I've heard your live performance and your studio recording.... You shine at both conversation and blogging. You are always thoughtful and intellectual AND you have three small children. sigh... so now you know... I'm jealous of you and your Christmas tree. You still have your pretty ornaments and can still arrange them so perfectly.
OK, so I feel better. You all now know that I'm just a mediocre studio artist. I can no longer shine "live." I've outed myself and the pressure is off. I'm no longer smart, but I have to say I still enjoy decorating my little online Christmas tree using the dixie-cup-full of braincells I do have left.
1 year ago